Dukes of T-Town
“Yo, Balls, that sheriff is following you pretty close, how drunk are you?” Chris asked me just before I looked in my rearview mirror to see if anyone was following us. I saw that a sheriff was about two city blocks behind us. Looking at my speedometer to check my speed and sure enough, I was speeding. We were going 51 in a 45 so I slowed down to give him one less reason to pull us over. All we wanted to do was get home safely without any tickets for a DUI or minor having Consumed (MHC), and my turn was just up ahead. When I got in the turning lane, I saw the sheriff take a quick turn behind me on a road that would lead to county road 116 that goes straight to the county 127 which I was turning on. So with some quick thinking we turned onto county 127 and then took an immediate right that led to another dirt road that couldn’t be seen by the sheriff.
“I’m gonna ditch this fucking pig,” I said, as I turned off the lights in the Subaru that I had borrowed from my blind grandma. I was now trying to drive “blind” on a dirt road, and to make matters worse I was going about 65 mph. We hit big potholes; the shoulder, along with most of the road, was washboard. The road was hard enough to drive on straight while sober, let alone drunk.
“Holy shit this is fun as hell! Hey, Balls, that was one bad-ass party don’ cha’ think?” I hear Brionne yell as I slam on my breaks to shop behind a tree on a bend in the road so that we were not visible from any road. The three of us watched with our breath held as the sheriff shined his spotlight all around, but it never made it to us. We were too far away and hidden much too well. Then he hit his other spotlights on top of his truck and they made it to about 50 yards out in front of us, but still he can’t see us. During all this time, we could hear the fleas jumping off Chris’ nuts. Not a word was spoken, even when the lights went off and the truck pulled away.
Still we were silent and still careful not to make any quick movements; half from fear of the sheriff and half from the fear of rolling into the narrow dry ditch that the car was now teetering on. With only tow wheels on the ground, it was scary to be the one in the drivers seat. By stomping on the gas, the all wheel drive gave us the push we needed to get out of the situation. When a word was finally uttered, we all tried to figure out exactly how it was that we didn’t die or end up in jail over the whole incident. But that passed in no time at all and we all grabbed out own beer and began to chug.
“Balls just went into the dukes of hazard mode and got the fuck out of dodge.” Chris, while laughing, said to Brionne. “Don’t ever do that shit again, I need some toilet paper!”
After my “Key Light” had gone down my throat, and the laughter of fear and Chris’ stupid comment had almost stopped, all I could muster out of my mouth was “Damn, that was close.”